cancer – pre-day 0
Friday, April 18, 2008
Shock. And not shock. This was the phone call I was expecting. It looks like cancer.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
And for those of you who know how important the 19th is to me, especially this one marking 5 ½ years, well, there’s the effect of that on my emotions to consider as well.
The bad news had actually started on Thursday the 18th, when I found out I had to have $1800 in service done on my Mom’s Toyota (which I expect to last forever, so I’m willing to keep investing in here are again). After the car news, I had my annual exam with my doctor with a normal in-exam breast exam, nothing special, I’m too young for regularly schedule mammograms, so this was as usual no big deal, the bigger concern going in actually was that I’d had extreme diarrhea with severe bleeding and such that had us concerned and agreeing that I needed to do a colonoscopy, which I understand is definitely far from a joyous experience. But then she found this unusually lump during my breast exam, and ordered a mammogram and ultra sound the next day.
Sheesh, do mammograms hurt! The ultrasound at least wasn’t painful, and I’d spent the previous evening learning what I could about the two exams and what they look for, so when I went in for the ultrasound in particular, I had some idea of what they were looking for and could ask questions that would help me understand what they were seeing without pressuring them for a diagnosis I knew they couldn’t give. Techs aren’t allowed to say anything about a potential diagnosis.
But I saw the odd dark lump in the mammogram, and the unusual star shape in the ultrasound and knew what that meant, and so when my gynecologist called the next day to say it looked cancerous and were were going to do more extensive biopsies, I was not surprised. Freaked out, absolutely, but not quite as freaked out as the day before, Wednesday. Wow, did I lose it on my dance partner Mark that day. That was one of my biggest freak-outs ever, I think. It was all just too much to comprehend.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
But what else can you do? Life moves on. I had four hours of dance lessons to teach on Sunday, with one of my favorite students who was getting ready to dance in the showcase with me, this great pro-am tango with lots of attitude and sass.
Mark was dj-ing for a milonga on Sunday, so we went instead of having our regular practice session at Spotlight. By now people were really starting to assume, with greater accuracy, that there was something going on with us and it wasn’t just practicing tango for the Spotlight shows coming up.
So we went, and danced, and had a really good time actually. Dance is great for that, getting your mind off of something and giving you something to lose yourself in.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Monday was back to work and a “normal” day. Well, normal except for the appointment I had that afternoon with the surgeon for a consult on what was going on and what the process would be. He seemed so cold at first, I really wasn’t sure I liked this guy Thayer at all, but I wasn’t convinced I didn’t like him either. So we go with the flow.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Meanwhile life is clicking along like a freight train, my usual mode. Tons of e-mail to catch up on, and a Board meeting Tuesday evening in prep for the CSCMP event on Thursday (now how am I going to get through THAT?)
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Lots of model tracking and follow up phone calls on Wednesday, and contract follow up.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
And then a sick day taken. The big biopsy day is here. It was a mess, they cut me up pretty badly and even kinda moved some stuff around they weren’t supposed to touch. The biopsy was this incredibly painful thing, mostly because they didn’t use enough local anesthetic, as I understand it. Bottom line, lots of pain, just to gather proof that it is a cancerous tumor, and whether it’ a bad lump, or just a benign lump.