cancer – day 901

I can’t sleep. It’s been one of those nights where Ambien seems to be the anti-sleeping pill, keeping me jitteryly awake hours past my usual bedtime, many, many hours past.

I gave up tossing and turning around 1AM. My alarm was set for 4AM because of a 4:30AM call with India in the morning. Don’t think I’m going to make that now.

I took another 1/2 Ambien, we’ll see if it helps. Of course, Dr. Mikkelsen would have a coniption fit if she knew I was lying on the couch with the laptop and a couple of candles burning, instead of trying to meditate my way into relaxation and sleep. That reminds me, I was out running about for that stupid D medicine thing all afternoon, and I don’t think I took my medicine tonight. Maybe that will help.

Or not. I keep forgetting, the Lamictal ran out on Saturday, because the post office lost it in the mail, and by the time I convinced the pharmacy to resend me another set, even overnighting the pills didn’t get them here today. I sure hope they come tomorrow. The Lamictal is one of the neuropathy pain meds, and it took two months to get up to the dosage I’m at. So, having not taken it for almost three days now, well, maybe that’s why I’ve been getting so many headaches, and not sleeping. Please please please let that medicine get delivered tomorrow. Morning.

Messed around with photos for facebook (I’m asking people to vote on whether they think I should go blonde or brunette to the conference next week). Did a little personal e-mail. No sleep. It’s 3:30AM. I think I’m just going to turn the alarm of and just start work whenever I do wake up. I have nothing tomorrow night, so working tomorrow night to finish some things up shouldn’t be much trouble. (Aside from the nagging sensation that I just don’t want to do work anymore.)

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8:50PM

It’s been an awful week, health-wise. Constant migraines, sick to my stomach, absolute insomnia. But UPS brought the Lamictal this afternoon, so hopefully tomorrow after I’ve been back on the med for 24 hours, I’ll feel better.

And I’ve felt so awful, getting work done has just seemed impossible.

So tonight I found myself needing to work but completely unable to do so. I turned on the TV, and I ended up watching Gone With the Wind. I cried for pretty much the entire second act it seemed. I’ve seen it so many times, and it’s still shocking that I feel it has good, genuine acting. And there’s a line I never quite caught from Mammy before, when Scarlet lost her second baby and the Bonnie broke her neck jumping the pony and Rhett was locked up with Bonnie’s body threatening to kill anyone who tried to put her in the ground where it’s completely dark when she’s so afraid of the dark. Mammy doesn’t know what else to do, and she asks Melanie to come. Melanie first asked about Scarlet, and Mammy said “When that girl needs strength the good Lord gives her strength.”

Good line.