cancer – day 817

Wow, I am soooooo not in the mood for driving this weekend. I can’t decide how important it is for me to be working from my house during the ocean webinar on Tuesday. Either the satellite on the RV is truly wicked slow, or this laptop is more than just past its prime, it’s an extinct species. Too bad, I love how tiny this old microthin is. But the memory’s so bad I can’t even install Windows 2007 on it. 

I’m not even to Wendover yet, and I wish I could quit driving for the day. Maybe I will stop in Elko like Kurt suggested.

Kurt Hegle, now there’s a stand-up guy, and one of a couple in my life that I wish I had treated better in our relationship/friendship. I can’t really say we dated, because I never quite let it get that far, though I knew he would have really liked to. Why did I stay at arm’s length with this guy? I don’t completely know. Maybe because I was still too into Johnny V. even though we’d broken up (again). Or maybe, and this has been the termination of multiple relationships in my life, he liked me too much. That’s happened a couple of times . . . where I held a guy off from getting too close because he seemed to think I walked on water or something like that, and I’ve never felt like I deserved to be treated like that. Maybe that was why I kept breaking up with Johnny V., because I didn’t feel like I deserved for someone to love me so much.

I wonder if that stems back to the way I was treated as a newborn in all those foster homes before my parents got me? If you’re treated like nothing, you learn to feel like nothing, right? Hmmm.

LATER . . .

A couple of unusual things just happened. Serendipity.

A few days ago, when I had that all-day feeling of Artie frantically near me, hugging me, I had gone back online to try to find a way to understand what the sensation meant. I think that was how I found Steve Pavlina’s blog site. But I also found a website called spiritual insights, and there were a number of letters from individuals asking Heather, the sprirtualist, for advice. It all seemed pretty relevant, and I decided to send her an e-mail myself. She’s replied.

From: C –
Subject: a shared soul?
To: guidance@spiritinsights.com
Date: Wednesday, August 11, 2010, 1:59 PM

Hi Heather,

My boyfriend died in a horrific motorcycle accident eight years ago. I have often felt his protective and loving presence, both when I have most needed emotional support to survive his death, and at times when I did not realize I needed support until after his presence was already there comforting me, which happened a lot when I was in chemotherapy two years ago.

Last night he was with me in my dreams, and I honestly felt like I woke up in his arms, now eight years older but with the same circle of warmth and love. That is unusual. Once in a while he is in my dreams and we even talk once in a great while, but I haven’t had this completely real sensation of waking up snuggled to his side since the last morning we actually did wake up together before he died.

It has been a strange day. I’ve frequently felt like Artie is hugging me today, and it is comforting to me as always, but there is also a strange frenzied energy to it, like today he is near me because he needs me, not because he knows I need him. This the first time I’ve ever felt that sort of . . . fear . . . in sensing his presence.

This makes me wonder about two things that I would very much value your opinion on. First, could he suddenly after eight years, actually need something from me? Or can there be something making him suddenly feel that he needs me rather than the other way around? Either way, is there anything I can do to be more aware to his presence to understand what he needs?

Second, is there such a thing as a shared soul? I don’t just feel connected to Artie, I don’t even feel like we are soul mates. Rather, and this is especially true today, I feel like we really are somehow just elements of the same soul that’s trying to find it’s balance. Does that make any sense at all? Is such a thing possible, a shared soul?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

– Cynthia

From: guidance@spiritinsights.com
Subject: Re: a shared soul?
To: “C -”
Date: Friday, August 13, 2010, 1:21 PM

Hi Cynthia,

Yes it is quite possible that after eight years, Artie needs something
from you. While eight years may seem a long time to us, time is man-made
and is non-existent in the spirit world. It is quite possible that Artie
is now ready for more spiritual progress on the other side, and is letting
you know that you may not sense his presence for awhile. The strange
energy that you felt could be your sensing that something is different.
You would be quite right if he will not be as near to you as often. If you
miss his presence in the next little while, be happy for him that he is
progressing ever higher in the spirit world. He would be back with you,
checking in from time to time, to ensure and to encourage that you too are
progressing forward on your physical journey. Knowing that you are is no
doubt what he would like from you. The frenzy could be his trying to get
this through to you, and wanting you to continue on your path with love
and peace in your heart, just as he is doing on his path.

Your fear was probably the result of not understanding the strange energy
that you were feeling which would indeed, be a normal reaction. We often
fear that which we do not understand.

While I am not familiar with the term shared-soul, I do know there are
several different elements comprising one soul. Each element contributes
to the whole for the ultimate learning and growth of the soul. So, I have
to answer yes, what you say makes perfect sense to me. Having said that,
it makes even more sense that you too are progressing on your path.
You are most welcome Cynthia. Keeping you in my prayers,

Heather.
www.spiritinsights.com

This was not exactly what I was hoping for (I hate the idea of losing the sensation of Artie being around and still protecting me. Then again, he was with me through cancer, helping me survive, and maybe that was why he stayed nearby as long as he did). But, Heather’s reply REALLY got me thinking and wondering if I am really at the point of stepping forward to whatever is next in my spiritual journey, and I was “inspired” (to put it in Steve Pavlina terms) to ask my Runes right that moment, even though I’m parked at a rest area and guiltily feel like I should be back on the road, accomplishing the physical goal of getting home).

I hadn’t done my Runes in a week. Usually when that happens, I go through a catch up getting the Runes for each of the days I had missed, but today I just put in placeholders and got on to what I wanted to ask right now. I did read a little of the last writing I did in my Rune journal, and I had asked the Runes for a great deal of insight on “Where do the Runes see my life going with Chain?” The Rune for each element, overview – challenge – action – sacrifice – new situation, were each very interesting, and I would love to write about that now, but this other question is too pressing. Suffice to say that the last time I consulted the Runes, the new situation indicated change, freedom, invention, and liberation. The overview was to immerse myself in the spirit of living.

The question I suddenly needed to ask the Runes today, after journaling a little and reading another Pavlina post and then seeing the e-mail from Heather, felt absolutely urgent.

Question: Am I moving on to the next phase of my spiritual journey? The Rune was upright, meaning Yes, and the Rune itself was Perth, which is about initiation, something hidden, and a secret matter. It has associations with the Phoenix, saying that powerful forces of change are at work. On the side of human nature, this Rune is symbolized by the flight of the eagle. Soaring flight, free from entanglement, lifting yourself above the endless flow of ordinary life to acquire broader vision. And the last few sentences on Perth’s meaning really got me too. “ For some, Perth means experiencing a death. If need be, let go of everything, no exceptions, no exclusions. Nothing less than renewal of the spirit is at stake.” I was a bit speechless at all this, then thought. Wow. How’s that for a powerful message?

And then I just had to ask the Runes directly, again, “Do I have to leave Chain?” The Rune I pulled from my pouch didn’t turn up quite upright, but it was indicating Uruz reversed (No), but since it was kind of sideways, I closed my eyes, rolled the Rune in my hand, and put it down again. Upright (Yes). But this time it had kind of fallen into a crease on the couch, so I closed my eyes again, gently picked up the Rune and let it fall. Reversed, clearly. The thing is, Uruz means strength, and it’s the Rune of terminations and new beginnings. And it suggests that “events occurring now may well prompt you to undergo a death within yourself.”

Like letting go of the expectation of myself to supposedly want more responsibility at work, my lifelong workaholism, my inability to leave things undone in my work?

Hmmmmm. Lots to think about. And I really need to update my blog, I think it is couple months behind my journal (which, admittedly, has also been sparse this year). I think I will stop for the night in Elko like Kurt suggested, and try that restaurant he recommended, then settle in early for the evening. I just don’t feel like pushing the driving to get home. And if I soooo don’t feel like it, why should I do it?