cancer – day 80
early morning
The whole Mark-leaving-town thing bothered me because I had been using the thought of Mark as my caretaker too much for making myself believe I can get through this, it was like the last bit of strength I thought I needed to get through this came from believing in him, and this little trip was a shocker because I couldn’t believe he would even consider leaving while I’m in chemo. If it were the other way around, even if I barely knew the person, if I had committed to being a caregiver for anyone with cancer I wouldn’t leave town even overnight during their treatment, it just seems wrong to me. And no job is worth that. At the end of my life I wouldn’t think back and say “oh, darn, I really wish I had left that cancer patient with other people for a week so I could go to Phoenix for work for that company whose name I can’t even remember, I made the wrong decision to stay and help her instead.” But I know what it’s like to look back on your life and see where you made the mistake of putting work first, and I know it’s not worth it. Not everyone has had that experience. Saturday morning Mark tried to justify his leaving by saying he cares about his company like I care about Chain, and I was like, barely able to speak through my tears, mind you, “sure, I care about Chain and I’ll even put my work ahead of my own best interests, but I would never put work ahead of family, or something like this.” But Mark and I are very different people. I didn’t sleep much this weekend thinking about it, and eventually I came to the conclusion that I do know the one person I can count on without fail and that’s myself, so I think now that I need to take that approach with this thing, rather than trusting that someone else is truly willing and capable of it all. It’s just too much to ask of any one person.
Ugh, I didn’t want the stress of all that, I feel so crummy as it is, and exhausted and mindless from lack of sleep, my brain doesn’t seem to function at even 50% of pre-cancer diagnosis capacity these days, and I forget things, important things, even really important things, constantly. But I’ll just have to push through anyway, and make sure that I stay on top of it all somehow, because I don’t think I should count on any one other person to do it, and this “ownership” isn’t something you can easily spread out over a bunch of people. Babysitters, sure, having people swap in to hang out with me for an evening or a day at a time just so someone’s there when my caretaker needs time away from me or whatever, fine; that’s different though, from making sure I take my meds or the right meds at the right time or eat consistently or whatever over a number of days.
Now watch, after all this worrying and stress, I won’t even be sick during chemo, I’ll be totally fine throughout and Mark will resent me ever questioning his decision to go to Phoenix.
And now, with surgery on Thursday and chemo starting Monday, I don’t even know when he wants me to come back to Sacramento. Actually, right now I suspect he doesn’t want me to come back at all. He’s frustrated with me.
late night
I don’t even know how to tell the story of the conversations that happened today. Maybe I can tomorrow or later when I’m not so worn out. It will have to suffice for now to say it included me being called “self absorbed” and told that I don’t have any friends (I know that one at least is blatantly untrue), and that I don’t take other people’s interests and needs into consideration; and the story doesn’t have a happy ending, at least not yet that I’m aware of, it simply went silent, no more communication.
It’s back to how I was feeling last week. Am I just being moody and emotional and overreacting to something that should be nothing? What happened to the strong confident woman who was really enjoying what her life was before April 17, 2008 and one fateful annual gynecologic exam? Where did all this fear and worry come from? It was clearly in me all along to be like this, or I wouldn’t be this way now. Ach, I hate being afraid of the unknown.
I feel really bad about how it ended, and I even drove half-way to Georgetown to a place where my cell phone works to send a conciliatory text message, but with no response. I drove back there late tonight and got a bunch of e-mails on my blackberry, but no reply text. I’m suspecting that it was probably too little too late. I finally said what I think this afternoon, and that was probably more than needed to be said, at least in one afternoon. And now I’m right back where I was when I woke up this morning. Feeling that I have to manage this thing for myself (of course there are tons of people who want to help, so that’s not a worry), and not expecting to be particularly welcome back at a particular residential property in Sacramento that happens to contain most of my office equipment, all of my dissertation research, and half of my summer clothes. OK, so maybe that’s an exaggeration, more likely the dust will settle and all that will go as previously planned, in terms of cancer girl staying at that residence during her chemotherapy treatments.
Sigh. Surgery Thursday, lots of work I want to get done for MBBC before then, and chemo Monday. I’m tired. Enough of worrying about this, time to move on. Hopefully the silence is just emotional recovery time and everything works out. It will work out, one way or another. Every adversity makes you stronger, I know that and lived it this weekend and today, and hell, for the past three months and at other times in my life, but that doesn’t make the tough days any easier. I don’t want to be made any stronger; I would really, really love a break from having to be strong. But, meanwhile, to quote the wisdom of someone I respect tremendously – it is what it is. I can’t change what’s already been done, but hopefully I have and will continue to learn from it.
Mizzou keeps putting his paw on my arm and making tiny little mews, he seems to think it’s time for me to leave the laptop and pay more attention to him. Good idea.