cancer – day 622

My poor mom has a tendency of phrasing things to often walk me into saying that even though I’ve been through all this stuff, I’m making it ok and I’m happy. I always feel bad when it comes up because I can tell her I know I have a good life and it’s much better than lots of other people have, people who are suffering more, people who are struggling more. I appreciate my life and the fact that I’m still alive. But “happy” just isn’t a word I think or an emotion I even have memory of anymore. Being in pain all the time really blocks you from that transcendence in some way.

But being in my little house in the forest and having to drive 20 minutes on these twisty hilly narrow roads in my bright Electric Lime Rubicon, and having these kind small town people standing in line insist I check out ahead of them because I’m only buying milk, and then the magnificent drive back up the mountain in my happy little Jeep with the setting sun glistening through the pine . . . About halfway home I realized I had been smiling the whole way, not thinking about anything, just enjoying the beauty, peace, and happiness that is this place.

I’ll be heading out again next week and spending a couple months or so with my folks before I have another brief trip back here, but at least I always have this place to escape to in my mind, when I can reach through the burning pain, sometimes.