cancer – day 39

Ironic. I was accidentally an hour early for my dentist appt this morning, and since I live 20 minutes away it didn’t make sense to drive home and back, so I went and sat and did my Runes journal and thought the last of this decision through. And now I’m convinced that staying with Mark in Sacramento for my chemo is what I have to do.

It’s a little difficult for me to explain the Runes, and I’m always hesitant to talk about them at all because I know lots of people are skeptical about many spiritual concepts and I never want to suggest to anyone that they should think anything other than what they do in their spiritual beliefs or faith. It’s just such a personal issue, and who am I to tell anyone that something that cannot be proven may actually be true? In short, to make sense of the coming exposition, I’ll tell you that personally, I have a sense of self as a being that is more than just a physical body. The best word I have for it is energy, but a most widely-used term is soul. And if we have a soul, then surely there are ways and moments when that soul interacts with the life of our physical body. Now as a technologist, I also have a healthy dose of belief that the brain is capable of things we haven’t even comprehended as possible. How do you know you’re right when you know you’re right but there’s no proof, you just know? Call it the power of the mind, call it spirituality, whatever. Anyway, I was close to someone once who used the Runes as a guide in his spiritual development at a time when I was really trying to understand myself and figure out how to be a better person, and I found the Runes useful.

Many people who understand the Runes believe they are an oracle. That is a subject which, after years of using the Runes, I still do not feel qualified to comment upon, but I do like how one author, Ralph Blum, says you shouldn’t get caught up in the idea of an oracle as some kind of forecasting tool or predictor, rather an oracle points your attention towards those hidden fears and motivations that will shape your future by their unfelt presence within each present moment; he also says points out that you are the one responsible for selecting your future, but the oracle can direct your attention towards those inner choices that may be the most important elements in determining that future. Anyway, back to my opinion . . . regardless of your personal spirituality or beliefs about spirituality or entire lack thereof, you don’t have to believe the Runes are an oracle in order to benefit from using them.

I draw a Rune every day, usually in the morning, and generally use it as a kind of guide to some personal thought for the day. I can’t tell you how many times the entry for the Rune I drew on a day came back into my mind when something happened later in the day as “ah, so that’s what the Runes were talking about, and I know to be careful how I react to this” and then that day’s Rune being something of a guide in how to react in a particular situation (usually by being more patient or trusting or not forcing a situation just because I know where it needs to go). The day my gynecologist found the lump and I flipped out and my parents didn’t answer their phones and I ended up going to Mark’s to talk about it instead of dance, well, that day my Rune was Gebo, Partnership, and, A Gift. It never would have occurred to me that morning what that Rune could have been talking about, it was a normal work day, I happened to have a normal annual doctor’s checkup that afternoon, and then dance. Nothing was going on that would have made me think ahead to the points that Gebo focuses on. But looking back on it now, that evening was what solidified my relationship with Mark a clear step higher than it was prior to that, and every moment he’s helped me through this cancer process since then has been a gift. There are so many times I told him later that I couldn’t have gone through whatever the thing was without him. It only occurred to me today to go back and look up what the Rune was for the day my doctor found the lump, everything was happening so quickly then that I didn’t really register at the time that the Rune that day had been about partnership and then things went the way they did with Mark. But anyway, the Runes give me a point of consideration each day and generally help me remember to keep trying to develop and grow as a being.

My Rune today was Isa, Standstill, which surprised me. I journaled “Funny, I was just thinking I’m about ready to decide to stay with Mark for chemo, but Isa is about stillness.” And I realized I was still unsure, anxious about the decision. I pondered it a bit, then decided to Rune for general guidance on the decision to stay with Mark in Sacramento for my chemotherapy, and actually, probably for my radiation treatment too: “What guidance can the Runes give me regarding staying with Mark for chemo?” After some deliberation of what spread was most appropriate for the situation, I did a three Rune spread, which gives guidance with an overview of the situation, the challenge to be faced, and the action to be taken. Here’s what I drew [brackets are my comments on what the Rune text said] – – – Overview: Wunjo, Joy, reversed [upside-down], which says things are slow in coming to fruition [my relationship and trust with Mark]. The process of birth is long and fears arise for the safety of the child within [exactly! ]. A difficult passage even if brief, is at hand [I told Mark I would decide by tomorrow]. Consideration and deliberation are called for [I need to think it through completely and be sure I’m doing the right thing]. Seen in its true light, everything is a test. And so, focused in the present, sincere towards others and trusting in your self, know that you cannot fail [yes, this is definitely a test, but I can do it, we can do it]. – – – Challenge: Nauthiz, Constraint, Necessity, Pain. The necessity of learning to deal with severe constraint is the lesson of Nauthiz. This Rune represents the obstacles we create for ourselves [trust is my biggest one] as well as those we encounter in the world around us [my cancer]. Both can be equally difficult to handle. The role of Nauthiz is to identify our shadow, our dark or repressed side, places where growth has been stunted [Trust. Again]. The need for restraint is unquestionable here [I have to believe in Mark and control my emotions stemming from lack of trust]. Clearly there is work to be done on yourself. Let the constraints of the time serve you in righting your relationship to your Self. Be mindful that rectification must come before progress. And, as always, consider the uses of adversity [trust has been a lifelong issue for me and going through chemo will be difficult, but if I remember to learn from it and use it to become a better person, recognizing this as a real test of being a good person to others while undergoing personal adversity, I can grow enormously from the experience]. – – -Action: Gebo, Partnership, A Gift. Drawing this Rune is an indication that some form of partnership is at hand. You are put on notice not to collapse yourself into that union [which I have a tendency to do in relationships, give up too much of who I am to fit the other person, though I control this well now everywhere else in my life and have definitely improved on it over time]. True partnership is achieved only by separate and whole beings who retain their separateness even as they unite. Remember to let the winds of Heaven dance between you [this always brings Artie to mind, only a breath away in spirit]. The path of partnership can also lead you to the realization of a still greater union – union with the Higher Self. [This is what I have to do. It will be difficult, but also the greatest spiritual development opportunity of my life.]

OK. Wow. I know what I have to do. Time to call my parents.