cancer – day 326
My day started last night when I found out my guy in India, who was supposed to start on this project today (that’s due to clients in two and a half weeks) is actually taking this entire week off to visit his family. I would never begrudge someone time with their family, even if decided last minute, but it still put a stressful start on the week. In reality it will be fine, his isn’t the time-consuming part on this one anyway, and having a couple more days to work on the clients before he starts on their data made the calls and follow up I had to get done immediately this morning at least less stressful (since “immediate” came to mean “anytime this week”). Ha, people say I write well, and then I write mixed up crazy sentences like that!
Anyway, it was truthfully a very normal day, really busy, multiple projects going on, at my desk from the moment I wake up until 2PM before I realize I haven’t even stood up, or eaten breakfast or lunch, or even changed out of my pajamas. I have this habit of throwing on a sweatshirt when I get out of bed and getting the computer powered up during the two minutes it takes to make a cup of tea, sit down at my desk to see if there’s anything urgent (before I, you know, go brush my teeth or get dressed), and next thing you know five hours have passed.
I know I’m really busy and I know I have more going on with work right now than I did a year ago, and I know this stress feeling that goes with busy times in my work. But I catch myself many times every day, stopping myself to pause because I can feel that right now I’m more edgy than I used to be in my work. And work is the only thing I do right now. I feel like I’ve taken a big step backward in what I had been working so hard on for so many years of my professional life. Early in my career I was really zooming, great success at a younger age than most people believed. But as it went on, I became more and more aware of how very often I wasn’t as kind as I could be, you know, like getting short-tempered with the waiter who brings you the wrong food or the customer service clerk who tells you you’re going to miss your connection and be stuck in Denver overnight. And I started, literally years ago, trying to be kind as much as possible, all the time. It was a ridiculously slow process, but over time I really felt like I had made a lot of progress. But now, somehow, I find myself short-tempered much too often, and too often biting my tongue on a retort that a less-than-kind person would react with.
Strangely enough, besides my parents, the only person I’ve really talked about this with is my BizDev director, because we need to talk and interact so frequently, and in January he’d had an emergency surgery with his appendix (I think?) and had to go through the pain and the fog of pain pills and getting back in the swing of things. Granted, a surgery recovery is nothing like chemo recovery, but it was such a recent experience for him that he seems more aware that just because I’m working doesn’t mean I’m feeling fine or anything close to it. Anyway, I remember talking with him last Friday, scheduling stuff for this week, and he mentioned that he had a follow up doctor’s appointment Tuesday but we could set up some time in the afternoon to get this thing done. So then of course I asked how he’s doing and he says really, really well, and then of course he asks how I’m doing (he knows the neuropathy is still a big problem), and I found myself telling him that what’s bothering me about it, besides the pain in my hands, is that the very fact of hurting all the time is wearing me down, leaving me with less emotional strength than I need to be kind all the time in everything I do. That was the life goal, is the life goal, to be kind, and to not create any negativity in the world. But being in pain all the time, literally, all the time, even waking up at night because of some stabbing pain in my foot or harsher burning in my hand because it was under the pillow, well, being kind while feeling like that is . . . duh . . . more of a challenge than ever before. I feel short tempered and realize it’s because I’m in pain, not because some person’s mistake is so awful or irreconcilable.
Life is an interesting thing. You learn and you grow, and then things happen to challenge you, setbacks that give you the opportunity to grow again through greater adversity or a new challenge or situation. I bet every single cancer survivor out there has a personal story to tell of how some challenge of their illness (or the treatment of their illness) made them realize how much our personality and how we treat people is related to how we’re feeling ourselves, sick, healthy, in pain, whatever.
I read this book when I was a kid about a 13-year old girl who had cancer and lost her leg. Talk about adversity. But she was amazing to everyone around her, never pushing any anger or frustration on anyone around her as she struggled with losing her leg and having 18 months of chemo. After the end of her last chemo she finally said the closest thing of a complaint to her mom, she said “I don’t think I could do this again.” And that was when her mom realized that she had never complained about what was happening to her body, about how sick she felt, or even about losing her leg. This girl went through 18 MONTHS of chemo, and never even complained, she was like a spiritual light to everyone around her, bringing up their spirits with her own.
It’s inspirational, you know?