cancer – day 125

Apparently the gauntlet has been thrown down. In expressing the desire to go to my favorite milonga in San Francisco last night, I was told that “you have to suck it up that you can’t do that right now and take better care of your caregiver.” Apparently I’ve been exceedingly selfish in taking care of myself during chemo, and someone thinks that needs to change.

I can’t imagine a greater challenge. Putting someone else first while in chemotherapy treatment and still taking care of myself in chemo (because I will not put my body in jeopardy while working on a personal development goal).

But hey, why not at least try? What could be a better thing to learn as a human being, what could be a better way to learn to be a truly giving soul, than to put someone else first when you’re undergoing one of the most difficult medical treatments people can suffer? Maybe focusing on someone else will actually make it easier to not dwell on how awful I feel.

Let’s not forget: I made a choice early on, maybe 100 days ago or so. My options then were to go stay with my parents in SD during chemo, or stay in Sacramento with Mark during chemotherapy (and radiation) treatment. I did NOT choose to stay in California because it would be easier. I stayed in California because it would be more challenging and I would grow more as a person if I had that more challenging experience. I knew I would try harder to be well because I would have to in order to make it through chemo here.

I think I’ve done that better for other people when I’m out and about than when I’m at home with Mark, where I recover from the forced happy demeanor of “doing ok” I put in front of everyone else. I knew it would be difficult emotionally to stay with someone I hadn’t really known very well for very long and to trust that person with potentially everything if I were completely debilitated by chemo. I knew it would be easier to go live with my parents where I could keep my cats with me and I would feel cared for and loved all the time. Admittedly, in choosing to stay here, I didn’t think any of it would be as difficult as it has actually been, all of the side effects and the severity of them and the emotional challenges; everything has been more challenging than I expected or was prepared for, and more than my doctors expected or prepared me for. But, it is what it is, and now is the new starting point to continue life development to discovering what it means to be a truly giving soul.