Sympathy

My aunt, Irene (Mom’s big sister), died of pancreatic cancer less than two weeks ago. Mom’s received many sympathy cards from her friends and family, but it only occurred to me today that I also have a lot of good friends that may want to send Mom their sympathies. Cards can be sent to: Helen Miller C/O Cynthia Swan, 401 E. 8th St., Ste. 214-547, Sioux Falls, SD, 57103.

If you are so further inclined, in lieu of flowers, memorials can be made to the “Irene Olson Memorial Fund,” which is going to several local charities and hospice, to help others with end-stage cancer. All I’m asking my friends to do, though, is mail a short note or sympathy card to my mom, Helen. It would mean a lot to me. I want Mom to have as much love as possible, from as many sources as possible, especially over the next few weeks while I am traveling.

Irene was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on May 16. Less than a month ago. She had two large tumors, one at each end of her pancreas, and the cancer had spread all over her liver and into her bones. She had started feeling unwell in late March or so, but thought it was just digestive problems or a food allergy. There is no early detection for pancreatic cancer, so by the time the cancer made Irene feel sick, it was already stage 4 and inoperable.

Mom and I went to stay with Irene in Fairmont, MN, so that she would not be alone at night and to essentially take care of her, to keep Irene on an appropriate med schedule and support her through chemo treatment until her daughter, Karen, could stay with Irene full time after Karen’s school year ended in about two weeks. I’ve been a cancer survivor for nearly five years, so I know the cancer patient’s experience intimately, but I have never been a caregiver. It is an incredibly intense emotional and bonding experience, to say the least.

Irene’s condition degenerated daily, right before our eyes. When we took her to her first chemo treatment three days after our arrival, she was having a lot of foot and leg pain, and it turned out she had a small blood clot in her leg. They went ahead with chemo, which Irene’s body tolerated amazingly well. But at midnight the following night, we took Irene to the Emergency Room because she was in tremendous pain with three more small blood clots in her other leg. We left the hospital around 3AM, after she was admitted.

When we came back at eight the next morning, Irene told Mom and I, “I don’t think I’ll ever leave this hospital.” She was moved to a hospice room two days later, and died two days after that. She never left the hospital, but all of her family did have a chance to see her, give her their love, and bid their last farewells. It’s been an insane whirlwind for everyone. Irene lived just nineteen days after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

I will be forever grateful to have been able to go help Mom take care of Irene, and that Mom was not alone in caring for her dying sister. I think it helped that I was a cancer survivor and knew the patient’s emotional struggles of diagnosis and treatment firsthand. The first time I was alone with Irene after her cancer diagnosis, she told me: “You are the only one who truly understands how I feel.” I could only gaze into her eyes, nod solemnly, and give her a good hug. Sometimes words are meaningless and just get in the way.

I would say that I hope I never go through the caregiver experience again, but in truth I know I should hope to be a caregiver again. I’m not sure how this happened, but my relatives (Irene’s children and grandchildren) said I was a comfort to them as they tried to get their heads around what was happening. If I can ever again give comfort to even a single person in any way, then I will cherish the opportunity to be a caregiver if needed. But . . . Uff da! (As my Norwegian Grandma Inez would say.) It was tough emotionally as I became more intensely invested in Irene’s feelings and care day by day, besides already loving her for being my aunt.

The shock of it hasn’t really worn off for anyone in the family yet. How could it? A month ago, Irene was going at full speed, judging piano competitions and preparing her students for their end-of-schoolyear piano recital. She was highly motivated, an extremely gifted musician and teacher (with exceedingly high standards, developing hundreds of talented piano students over the years), and one of the most giving people I have ever met. She had her quirks and idiosyncrasies, but they were more than offset by her generous heart.

My thanks and love go out to everyone who is sharing their support and love with my family through this difficult time. Big Hug!!