cancer – day 139
Cue tears. I had absolutely no motivation for going to yoga tonight, it was all I could do to encourage Mark to go to his yoga class and “take care of my caregiver,” so by the time all that emotional energy was spent there wasn’t anything left to encourage myself to go to my own yoga class and here I am in tears twenty minutes before class just agonizing over the fact that I used to be very frequently accused of being the most motivated person people know, and here I am, so down in the chomps I can’t even make a coherent sentence for why I’m so run through that I can’t even muster the energy to stand up and walk to the car to go to yoga. There was a blowup, I told Mark to go to his yoga, and he said I don’t have to go to mine but he thinks it would be good for me. He leaves. And I’m sitting here still crying wondering what the hell has me so anxious and worried feeling. There has got to be something with all these meds. One week I’m a zombie with sleep, the next I’m sleepless and anxious for no apparent reason. Which is where we are right now in the cycle. Sleepless and anxious for no reason.
So I tell myself if I used to be so damn motivated there was no reason not to be that way again now (I went all Tenacious C on myself, essentially) and I should make every effort to go to yoga today because I seemed actually physically capable of getting through it tonight. So I went.
The tears are because I went early to talk to the studio owner to ask her how I should pay for the sessions because I’m in this 3-month beginner series one but have only been able to attend every other practice with chemo, and it’s sporadic at best when I can go to any other drop-in practices. I completely expected to pay her the full amount for the beginner series and maybe work something out with a couple little extra passes for weeks I can’t make it at all because of chemo, but she told me not to worry about it, we’ll just let it go. I queried, “what?” She said, “you’re not working, right?” “That’s right, I’m on disability.” “Then don’t worry about it, we’ll work something out later when you’re working again and things are more steady for you. You don’t need to be paying for this right now.” I was dumbstruck. I’ve only met this woman twice, and here she’s telling me to come to yoga practices at her studio for free just to be kind to me during my treatment. I gave her a huge hug and said I didn’t know to thank her for such generosity and that I really appreciated it. And so, tears, flowing, I go set up my yoga mat for the practice.
She doesn’t even KNOW me! She’s just a good soul being a good soul at a time and place when I needed one to enter my life. And now it will always be so much easier to motivate to go, to not let her down for putting herself out to let me come to yoga practice for free. I owe it to her as well as to myself now to go every week I feel well enough.