cancer – day 37

Same stuff, different day. Well, yes and no, really. So, with several more days to think about it and one very open conversation this afternoon, Mark really wants to do this chemo-care thing . . . he got it worked out with Rusty (his housemate) and made a google calendar so Brian and everyone knows what dates are my chemo and which week I’m working (and supposed to feel pretty normal), and he’s looking at yoga classes for me and even scheduling time to make me walk or exercise. He’s going to go with me to my next medical oncologist appointment so he can ask questions about how to take care of me. We hadn’t talked about it all weekend because we’re both sick, so finally today I brought it up. I didn’t expect the conversation to turn out this way, I thought surely he had decided against it because he hadn’t said anything. But he hadn’t said anything because he was still trying to figure out how he felt about it. Which is exactly why I didn’t say anything about it, until this afternoon because I really need to make a decision on this and take action to move on whatever that decision is.

Now that I know he’s committed to taking care of me and is learning about what he will have to do and he’s thought about the details of how it will affect his life, well, what worries me most now is the relationship side of things. The primary reason I want to stay in Sac is to be with him. There are lots of other reasons, but let’s be honest, that’s the first reason to stay. But the relationship is still very young. We’ve been dating for a couple of months, give or take a week, and we were dance partners before that, so we were getting close anyway even before we started dating, but this cancer thing really pushed our relationship to a more advanced level more quickly than would ever have happened naturally. Circumstances (between the cancer stuff, and now us both being really sick this week!) have forced us into seeing each other and supporting each other at some of our much less-than-great moments, and we’re still together. After discussing the relationship a bit, we talked some more, and he told me he’s inspired by me, and he said something about how I believe in him like apparently no one else ever has. And he’s inspired by me because of my tenacity and the fact that my tenacity also applies to him, that I really believe in him and appreciate him, and that’s inspiring to him. As we talked about inspiration, I told him that he doesn’t need me for inspiration, he has himself, and he said that he hadn’t done anything important or inspirational though, and that doing this would be really important. I agreed that doing this would be huge, and then I joked something about how it could also be a huge failure if he let me down. He smiled at first, but then his eyes got watery and I hugged him and he started crying, then really crying, and I pet his head and held him and told him it would be ok, and he choked out “I’m afraid.” “I know, Baby, I know, it’s ok, it’ll be ok,” I told him. I held him a while and pet his hair, and eventually his breathing calmed down, and after that was when he seemed to decide that he wants to do this caring for chemo-girl thing. (I hesitated about keeping this paragraph from my journal in the blog, but it’s so important to the whole story, I didn’t want to leave it out. It was just so real, you know?)

After it was all calm, though, I still felt it was important to tell him that he should see the inspiration in him that I do, that he brings joy to people every week and enriches their lives by teaching them tango, and his co-workers really appreciate him, and that every single time he laughs he makes someone else happy. (My dad really loved Mark’s laugh, it’s so heartfelt and happy and infectious.) And hearing that from me with such sincerity brightened Mark up. Why hasn’t anyone ever told him these things before? It’s not rocket science, everyone I’ve ever met that knows Mark has good things to say about him. And he has more friends in Sacramento than can even be counted, I think. And they all want to help him and help me with the cancer and chemo and everything. It’s amazing.

I’m still torn though. Mom and Dad love me so much, and their home is so comfortable, and I have my own room there and my cats can stay with me. I miss my cats. I’ve been down in Sacramento every weekend since this thing started, and I miss my quiet home, the beauty that surrounds it, and my cats. I’m glad I’m going home tomorrow after the doctor’s appt with Thayer to get the rest of the stitches removed.