cancer – day 328

The doctor’s appointment today was with the surgeon who did the lumpectomy. I have to see him every three months for the first two years of treatment so that any recurrence is discovered very early.

It was the same conversation I seem to have with every doctor these days, and he nodded along just like every other doctor does, since there’s nothing they can do about it. The immediate complaints are always neuropathy, fatigue, and feeling sick from the Tamoxifen (I usually forget to tell them about the headaches I seem to get whenever I wear my contacts because I’m always squinting because they can’t get my vision back to what it was before chemo practically blinded me). I’ve been getting sick to my stomach so much since starting the Tamoxifen that they have me on anti-nausea medicines again, which usually work. I only had two days of uncontrollable upchuck. And then there’s the Tamoxifen-induced “hot flashes” which aren’t flashes at all but rather this fairly sudden realization that I’m boiling hot, but it stays with me for five to ten minutes at a time, not “flashy” at all, in my opinion. 🙂

I honestly try not to talk about it and avoid answering questions about how I’m feeling because I’m getting worn down to the point of almost losing it emotionally whenever someone wants to know how I’m really feeling and I have to describe the constant burning pain in my hands and feet, frequently interrupted by slicing and stabbing pains. The longer it goes on, the less I want to think about it and wonder if it’s going to be permanent with me.

The neuropathy has been so bad all the way through that my oncologist keeps telling my insurance company that I should only be working half time at most so I’m not using my hands so much and aggravating the neuropathy. But, ugh, I’ll save the “why-I’m-working-full-time-against-my-doctor’s-orders” story for a later date.

One thing that shows the neuropathy is better today than it was six months ago during treatment is that I can now walk straight again. The nerve damage was so bad during chemo that I couldn’t even walk straight, I veered to the right, and so I was always banging my right shoulder and right side into stuff like wall corners. So, there’s been improvement in the nerve damage as indicated by my improved walking ability, and so there’s reason to continue to hope and expect it to gradually improve. 🙂