cancer – day 189

I wore my neon pink wig today, and it was a happy thing because so many people got a smile on their face when they saw my super-bright wig on Halloween. Not many adults really do much for Halloween, you know? It’s not like I was in costume, but it was neat because it made me smile to make them smile, and that was a really good thing. You don’t realize when you hurt a lot that you don’t smile much. Actually, I suspect the look on my face most of the time is probably something like fear.

I had something of an episode at lunch today . . . my feet have been especially bad this week, and we’d walked two blocks to the crepes place for lunch and the burning just kept getting more and more intense, to the point where I couldn’t bear it and was struggling to hold back tears because we were in a restaurant and I was trembling all over, I was nauseous with it and couldn’t eat, and we left as soon as Mark was done eating. Sometimes you just have to cry it out and wait for it to calm back down, which it always eventually does. But man, there are times every day when it’s like that, just unbearable. Usually it happens when it doesn’t matter though, I’m just reading or resting and so I just wait it out and cry if I can’t stand it.

Today there are these weird-feeling slices in my feet where there’s just no feeling at all. So I have this burning pain in the ball of my right foot but a wedge of it from between a couple of toes down into the ball of my foot where it feels like I just don’t even have a foot. It’s so hard to describe.

Mark put up some black lights and Halloween lights for handing out candy tonight. I wonder if we’ll get a lot of kids or not? It’s been raining, but it suddenly brightened up in the last hour or so while I was sleeping. Hope it stays nice for the trick-or-treaters.