cancer – day 173

Last year, a little more than a year ago now, I was in Albuquerque to dance for a West Coast Swing movie that’s going to come out next March called Love ‘N Dancing. While I was there, my dad’s cousin passed away in Phoenix. Since I had driven to Albuquerque for the movie, I decided to drive back via Phoenix so that I could go to the funeral.

I got in late the night before. Thanks to a time zone change that I hadn’t realized I’d crossed, I was an hour early for the funeral the next morning . . . there was no one there and I thought I’d missed it! I found the rectory office where they told me the funeral wasn’t for an hour, and I realized I’d missed the time zone change, thank goodness!

So here I am fresh off the movie set, right? My hair was long and super-blonde and had fresh dark stripes in it since that was my style at the time (I wonder what color my hair will grow back?). I haven’t seen anyone from this part of my family in more than fifteen years I think, so I was kind of a stranger to them, I didn’t go to anything night before and no one knew I was coming because I’d only figured it out myself a day or so beforehand. And with how I was looking for the movie, it’s no surprise really that my cousins (my second cousins, actually, I think, since our dads were first cousins) didn’t recognize me.

Well, last week there was another death in this side of my family, so here they are already going through the difficult emotions and memories of a year ago, and they have fresh grief to deal with too. The funeral is this Friday. So I was e-mailing with one of my cousins today, and she told me this story from last year (which is the point of my blog today, now that I’m finally getting to the point).

So I’m at the funeral, sitting kind of in the middle back because I didn’t really know anyone except the immediate family in the front rows, whom I haven’t seen in years and years, since we were kids really. And they had a full Mass, so I went up for Communion. This is when my cousins saw me, and wondered who the heck I was. Kristen told me today that she thought I must be “Johnny’s new chick,” and when I walked by she made some off-color remark to him about how cute I was to “how ugly his mug is,” and they got the giggles in church. Kristen said it was that kind of “I should stop now I’m in church” giggle, like we were kids again, and I can tell you that’s one of the best laughs you can have. Anyone who went to Catholic school knows exactly what I mean by that, I’m sure. But the really neat thing Kristen said today was about how good it felt to have that giggle then, during such a somber and difficult time. It was really moving to me today to think that, just by being there (literally!) I’d helped them feel just a moment’s relief from the depths of grief that I know so well.

After the funeral I went to their house and re-met a bunch of people, clearing the mystery of my identity, which was kind of fun in a way. I didn’t get to talk to everyone, but I was still so glad that I’d gone since I was the only Miller that could make it to Phoenix for the funeral last year.