cancer – day 116

The 19th is always a hard day, not matter what the month. I don’t even have to know the date, and then in the evening I’ll realize what the date is and suddenly know why the day was as difficult as it was. But especially now as there are just two months left and I remember conversations we had the last couple months, and emotions and experiences a certain look of love, and then . . . loss. The 19th of any month is a painful day for me, sometimes with a healthy dose of agony or just simple depression. Maybe over the next two months I’ll muster the courage to explain what happened on October 19th, 2002 that changed my life even more significantly than my own brief deaths later.

Mark’s talking at me about Halloween costumes, and all I can think about is getting down to LA, to Rancho Palos Verdes, to that cemetery where I need to be on the 19th, and nothing else in October matters much to me, I’m certainly not worrying about what I’m going to be for Halloween. Oh, and we have to find somewhere else to live, because the foreclosure on this house should be going through by then and we’ll be evicted. So we should be thinking about that a bit, which hopefully is ranked higher in importance than what we’re going to be for Halloween. Jiminey Cricket. Halloween? Who plans what to wear for Halloween in August?