I don’t think I’ve mentioned or explained what CGW is, but going forward it’s going to be important for you to know about it.

Caesar’s

I was excited tonight because I was going to meet some of the CGW attendees at a little pre-event gathering. And I was also excited because the meet-up was going to be at Caesar’s Palace, which is still one of my favorite places on the strip because of the Forum Shoppes and the statues and fountains inside there. I went early and walked part-way back in the shopping area, to the first big waterfall statue, of Poseidon, and I just love it and the sound of the water. And there were a few benches around so I sat down with my iPad and read some more of Steve’s book. Once in a while people would ask me to take their pictures at the fountain which I happily agreed to do. I was practicing my share-good-energy thing to see if it affected people around me, and I got a lot more return smiles and hellos than I would on a regular day just walking through.

The Pre-Workshop Meet-Up

Then I went to met the CGWers. Only a hair nervous because when I got there, there weren’t that many people and I couldn’t be sure which of the several small groups there was CGW. So I just walked up to the group in the middle and asked, “are you a group?” They said yes, come sit down, and then when I sat I saw they even had their copies of Steve’s book out on the table. It was funny to see it for real, since mine is an e-book and therefore on-screen only.  😀

They were nice people, from all over, Belgium, Germany, Jersey, Arizona, upstate New York, Cali . . . at first I sat next to a blind couple, that was interesting. Of course I don’t remember anyone’s names, at least not the right names with the right faces, so I hope no one is offended tomorrow when I have to ask their names all over again.

I didn’t stay late, maybe 8:30PM. I slipped out quietly to the side since I hadn’t met more than 3/4 of the group, and neuro-limped (well, just barely limping, I think) back out to the Jeep and “home” to my cats. I ended up being up late though, and I didn’t even put in a movie. I was just slow about getting ready for bed, tidying up after the cats, washing my face and getting ready for bed, and then I laid down to read more of Steve’s book.

Contemplating Personal Growth and My “Career”

Earlier in Caesar’s, I had gotten into a concerning part about career. It was concerning because my work at chain has turned into a tedious job going nowhere, stagnating my mind while exhausting me with insane hours (though I’ve been better about the hours things since Grand Canyon, I’m down to ten hours a day generally). The thing is, there is nothing attracting to me about my work anymore, the only redeeming factors are the simple facts of health insurance, good salary compared to the average Joe, and a serious disinterest in seeking new employment (updating my resume, getting it out there, chasing down opportunities, and then, after all that work to find a new job, having to drudgingly drive  to an office every day and work regular hours in a stiflingly closed-in office. I love the freedom I have in my life thanks to my job being non-locations.

As I kept reading though, I started feeling better again. Though Chain hasn’t improved my career position in any way, at least it hasn’t hurt the method that will continue to serve me as I move into my next career, which should be completely unrelated to supply chain management. I can write, and I can speak. Chain didn’t give me those skills, and Chain didn’t take them away from me. Net/net, it’s like we had a pre-nup. They weren’t going to give me any training or help me develop skills to advance in my career, but I wasn’t going to lose any of the skills and abilities I had going into the relationship.

Thinking through that made me feel better. OK, yeah, I stagnated at Chain and they have zero appreciation for anything I’ve done because my job has become so tediously administrative and they see no value in that and neither do I, but at least I still have everything I was before I went there. More even, because now I’m developing a vision for my career and life that will be synchronous for loving my career and my life.

And this workshop is going to help me clarify that idea, my mission, and my approach.

Since The Day That Pushed Me Toward My Future I’ve been feeling a sense of urgency that I have to get moving on my life’s purpose, no more taking it easy to recover from cancer treatment or radiation fatigue, no more TV or movies (that will be incredibly difficult for me but absolutely necessary, I relax getting lost in a movie for a few hours, but I do that almost every night, losing many hours every week when I should be making some kind of progress or development in myself).

I’m excited about the possibility of finally understanding (or thinking I understand) why I have survived what I have survived in my life. If my story inspires other people, then I need to make an effort to get out there and inspire people. I’m thinking blog, book, and presenting as an inspirational speaker. Heck, I also have the skill set to run things like Steve & Erin’s CGW, so maybe personal growth workshops will also get on the menu of Cielem’el offerings, or maybe someone reading the Cielem’el Cancer Journal will want to make a movie. Now that would be cool. We could get Sarah Jessica Parker . . .

My Intention for CGW

I needed to think this through before the workshops started, so here’s what I’ve come up with for my intention for the CGW workshop. Here it is as I posted it to the CGW Forum to commit myself by letting other people know what I was trying to accomplish.

My boyfriend of five years was killed in a motorcycle accident eight years and six days ago. Life stopped, though time clicked on. I picked up the pieces and kept working, but gradually I have lost my forward momentum and I feel like I’m just wandering around, trying to be a better person but not really knowing how to do it or how to be what I think I could be for other people. It was only a couple years ago that my parents pointed out that the decline started when Artie died. I also gradually stagnated in my work. I do not like what I do in this job at all anymore, and I’m not sure I want to charge back onto my career path in supply chain management either. I don’t want to go back to the world where I had to consistently exceed “shooting star” expectations (that’s the best way to describe my early career, I was a shooting star in the industry). The only part of that shooting star girl to still exist in me now is the belief that the sky’s the limit . . . we can be anything, achieve anything. But now . . . I have kept my job for the past eighteen months, after four years of gradual stagnation, for three reasons:

1)      I do not commute to an office, I can work from anywhere with satellite internet and a cell signal. In the last year I have gotten an RV and started traveling the country while still doing my regular industry job. I have discovered that I LOVE locational freedom and having the opportunity to experience the country while still earning my living.

2)      I am uninsurable and I apparently have to be employed by a company in order to have health insurance. I have a heart condition that I determined, after considerable research that it basically precludes any hope of affordable health insurance, and then I had cancer so I’m pretty much a sitting duck without health insurance unless I work for a company with health benefits.

3)      My income is sufficient for my needs and lifestyle. I make good money, I tend to spend a little too much and give away money and things because I figure if I don’t need it someone else can surely use it. But, having a good income from a job where I never have to drive to an office and I have complete health coverage for my heart and any potential cancer recurrence, well, that gives me plenty to pile on my fear plate and thereby continue-by-non-decision. I have been on the fence about quitting my job for nearly two years now, and I keep putting off the decision because I fear losing my financial and locational freedom, and financial protection against severe health issues.

But when I decided to attend CGW, I wasn’t thinking about my job, or work, or financial abundance.

I have lived through many difficult experiences, and when people hear my stories they inevitably say they find me inspiring (this was shocking to me the first twenty times I heard it, but now I can hear people say I’m inspirational without blushing too deeply at what I think is the greatest compliment anyone could ever give me), and people tell me that I should write a book and share that inspiration. I love to write and I don’t think academic publications count (I have plenty of that under my belt), so writing a book would be enjoyable. But it would take a long time to get it published and distributed and promoted in order to start having any kind of positive impact or be any kind of inspiration to anyone. I could definitely see the story being made into a movie though, even more than a book. But I’m starting to feel a sense of urgency, like I am supposed to start making a real contribution in the world, like, yesterday.

Given the many things I’ve survived that should have killed me, I am now completely convinced that I exist for a reason, but I still don’t know quite what the reason is. I’ve felt that way for years, and I want to use CGW to make a focused attempt to comprehend the value and meaning of my life and how I can best be a source of positive energy and light for as many people as possible, to have a positive impact on the world, not just a few people in my immediate proximity.

My Purpose in Life

I did Steve’s “true purpose in life” exercise last weekend, and here’s what I came up with: To be a free and independent spirit sharing positive energy and kindness, inspiring others to grow in courage, love, and inner peace, living life as a journey where the sky’s the limit.

Now. How do I do THAT???